When you've gone over something AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN like I have, certain questions get answered, OTHERS SPRING UP! You mind plays tricks on you, YOU PLAY TRICKS BACK! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps on knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting..."

Thursday, June 30, 2005

"Change is good."

"We fear change."--Garth, Wayne's World
So my temp gig for the last five months is coming to an end this friday. This was a really good gig, in that I didn't do awhole lot which allowed me to really focus on and bang out stuff when it needed to happen which made me look really good. And realistically, I need a job that will pay my expensive ass health insurance. And that's how temp gigs are. They're temporary. I just get scared that I'm never going to work again, that I'm not going to get my rent covered, that I'm going to starve. etc. I know these are silly and reactionary, but they are nonetheless real. The YOU MUST HAVE A JOB tradition has been passed down to me very strongly in my family.
But I have been interviewing during this whole process. As a matter of fact, I have a second interview for this conde naste gig tomorrow. the timing would be rather perfect, so wish me luck. Thanks for letting me rant yesterday. I so needed it. Thanks so much for your supportive comments. I'm breathing!
This may sound stupid, but i haven't knitted anything in a couple of days and that may have set my serenity on edge. I feel like I come a bit unravelled if I don't put in at least a row or two on something.
What a really need is a vacation. If there is a little break in work time, maybe i need to cast about and find someone who can look after my dog for a day or two and see if I can get away to my friends cabin.
oh, well. change is good. it's just scary b/c you don't know what you're going to change into.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

finberg time

this is going to be a pointless little rantlet, but if it doesn't get out of me somewhere it has some dangerous potential. why the f can't anything happen in finberg time--that is, in corcordance w/ my schedule, what's going to be convenient for me. i've been waiting to hear about this job. the guy tells me call him on tuesday. i do and he can't remember what it's about. then he does and he's like can you come in Friday at 10. I'm like "Sure!" when I'm thinking, "Come in for what? Another f-ing interview? Or to start? I want and need this job. It's important to me. Can you make a decision so i can move in one way or the other? I mean, aren't high powered executives supposed to do that sort of thing?" I find out (good thing I found out) about some serious financial trouble I'm in which needs to get fixed by Friday. It looks like this will happen b/c i've asked for help, but i hate asking for help and i hate waiting for help and waiting for checks to get in place and clear it feels like waiting and begging. plus i get to work full time, too? i hate calling my dr repeatedly to get test results. i even hate waiting for my dog to figure out that i'm calling her to go outside to cross the room to get to me. i know she's very old. i know people have other things to do. but i'm just so damn sick of waiting on other f-ing people, I want to throw things. shit, when is it going to be my turn? when is it going to be, oh, mark needs this right now, i better move it. god knows if i don't think that way i hear about it. rrrrrrrrrrr.
thanks for letting me let of some steam. i know, this too shall pass. but even that is more waiting. PASS FASTER!!!!

Monday, June 27, 2005

weekend update and book review

thanks again for all your birthday wishes! some friends of mine took me out to The Mermaid Inn on saturday to celebrate and it was very fun and grown up. very sex in the city.
saturday is was hot, hot, hot. my friend Robert and I went to Jones Beach and it was so beautiful. being on the shore, too, the temperature was very nice. water still too cold to go into but lots of nice, um, scenery. yesterday was a lovely day for pride. i didn't go, though. first time in years. my meds kind of knocked me on my ass so i spent the day quietly. watched FINDING NEVERLAND and loved it.
finished THE UNDERMINER by Nick Albo. very funny. there were a couple of times when i laughed out loud. it's kind of a one joke thing, but it's very very well done and the writing is really good. it takes some surprising turns. it's short (165 pp.) but it took me a long time to read b/c i so know the narrator it was kind of an icky place to go. why do these people flourish?!! so, if you don't have an inferiority complex i would highly recommend it. and it you do, i would recommend it, too. it'll just take you longer to get through.
wanted to clear my plate for SPECIMEN DAYS. yea! i'm not one of these people who can read more than one book at a time. i don't have that many brain cells left, I guess.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

it's all good

thanks everyone for your birthday wishes. i had such a nice day yesterday! work was typically uneventful, so i basically came in late, played mah johng on the computer went out for a long lunch and comic book shopping spree with a friend, came back, actually did some writing on the new play (wow, a writer who writes!), left early, went to my millionaire audition.
you guys, i didn't pass the written. ouch. i had a friend who was head writer on this show and she said the questions are designed to go right down the middle of what common sense would dictate and what the actual answer is. this is ingenious b/c you become quite convinced that you're right when you're totally not. i finished pretty quickly and was SHOCKED when my number didn't get called. just shows ta go ya: don't be an asshole.
then i did a little shopping for myself. bought the new Weezer CD and the new Michael Cunningham novel. then some friends took me out to dinner. which was perfect b/c although i wanted to see Batman, i wasn't quite sure i wanted to go by myself and i was kinda tired (meds). then i went home and watched bad tv (really bad TV: has anyone ever seen that scary BEST OF THREE'S COMPANY special they did w/ Lucille Ball in the eighties. sheesh!) with my darling dog. she was a birthday present 15 years ago--the gift that keeps on giving--so it's kind of a anniversary for us. so a good time was had by me. which is the whole point.
i am going to start buying yarn for my next project: i want to make the Fitzgerald sweater in Noro Silk Garden colorway 8 (blue/purple). Since I need 14 skeins and it's like 10$ a pop and it's a pretty common colorway i was going to do it in installments. i have heard stories about Silk Garden, though. does it get those little sticks in it that you have to pull out. i really don't want to do that, okay? has anyone worked with this stuff before? what do you think? it's SOO pretty I lust for it, but if it's a nuisance to work with, i can move on.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

as we get older

tomorrow is my birthday and to tell you the truth i almost forgot about it. there has been so much going on lately (the move, the book, the meds) and so much coming up (job interviews, anniversery) that turning 42 totally slipped my mind. i got a little blue about it b/c being single tends to really only bug me on my birthday and on christmas (so it must have something to do with not getting enough presents), but i feel better now. was going to take the day off and go to the beach, but the buses aren't running during the week yet so i will have to think of something else fun to do. i am auditioning for WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? tomorrow but although that's fun, i don't know if i'd call that fun. can't they just save everyone some time and give me the money now? maybe i will go and see BATMAN (since i'm a huge batman freak, i mean fan) i don't know. this is where boyfriends come in handy. i can't get all creative and excited about it if it's for me.
i finished the yoga matt bag and gave it to my friend who says it's awesome! i will have him photo it and send me the pic for the blog. have separated the front and back on bluecle and am now about two inches away from being done with the back. it's really taking shape and is actually going to be quite elegant. and BIG! good, i'll feel skinny in it. although i have been losing weight. i think my days of the 32" waist are over. am kind of stuck on the beret. i forgot what a pain untwisting yarn in the back is w/ intarsia. it'll look good though.

Friday, June 17, 2005

ruth, you broke my heart

one of my favorite authors is Ruth Rendell. she's like the best mystery writer there is. i'm not a big fan of her Inspector Wexford books, but her mystery/suspense books are absolutely top notch if you like menacing psychological thrillers. i try to vary my reading diet and after reading an informative but not too compelling non-fic about how AA was formed and its formative years, I was ready for a box of chocolates and that's exactly what RR's books are to me. I tend to only read one a year b/c i don't want to gain weight. i usually read them in the fall or winter b/c the atmosphere suits the tone better. rainy, overcast london, obsessed people that want to kill each other. it works for me. well, I read the next to last one and was so bummed. it's really really good up until the end. she does these great characters as usual and sucks them into a terrific plot, builds to this inevitable climax and then CRAPPED OUT! It's like she wrapped up one story line and phoned in the rest. The last five pages were literally: this happened to that one, this one got married and they ended up being friends w/ these two, it didn't work out so well for so and so, he got fat and she got fired. the end. i'm like what? Ruth, you're killin' me. Did you just get tired? I would have hung on for another fifty pages if you woulda wrapped it up the way you usually do. So, I can't recommend THE ROTTWEILLER. But I absolutely can recommend:
THE LAKE OF DARKNESS (first one I read and I still think her best)
THE BRIDESMAID
A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES
THE FACE OF TRESPASS
THE KILLING DOLL
LIVE FLESH
she also writes as Barbara Vine and I can recommend
ANNA'S BOOK
GALLOWGLASS
I still love her and will definitely keep reading her, I was just SO BUMMED!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

about the author...

as you can see from the below, i am now a published author. i'm so excited!!!! i got my copies yesterday and they go on sale at the drama book shop on Friday, i think. i just can't believe it's a real book. i hope there will be a book signing (they did one for the last batch of plays they published) but i don't think i'm up for a tour what with my busy temp schedule and all. my mother has a book published (on ribbed basketweaving) so now there are two authors in the family. no really, i'm so psyched.

rear view


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fit to print!


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Monday, June 13, 2005

too many projects!

okay i have way too many things going.
bloucle is right at the point where it's getting divided for front and back so i took a little break since i'll have to start thinking.
i started a beret from 45 fine and fanciful hats b/c i wanted to do some more color work. it looks pretty good, but twisting and untwisting in the back is also requiring too much thought for me.
and i am giving the yoga mat bag from snb nation another go. i've had to start this like four times b/c i keep screwing up the pattern (and it's not a hard pattern). This time i'm just going to plow through. i know the pattern so well at this point i can figure out how to fake it.beach was beeyootiful yesterday. i will have to take some photos. jon, it's so worth it! did my shot last night so am feeling crappy today. will probably watch MR SKEFFINGTON tonight and work on one of my many many projects.
i made a pound cake in my new kitchen. now i feel moved in! spent most of saturday unpacking stuff. the murphy bed got put up. now all of the unpacked crud is in the front room. my den is unpacked so now i have a writing area. now i just have to get my computer up and running and the stereo going and i will be completely settled. except, of course, for the redecorating.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

summer in the city

it's here! it's officially summer to me when i get to go to jones beach and i went on sunday. so beautiful. one of my favorite places on earth. the train to the bus to the hike up the beach can be a little grueling but it's so worth it. it's kind of like a mini mental vacation. just getting on the train creates the illusion that i'm going away somewhere. i don't know. whatever it is, it works.
had a job interview yesterday which i hope i get. if i don't, i don't. but if i do it would be great, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
thank god for knitting. i don't know if i've shared this here, but i started undergoing treatment for hepatitus c which involves a weekly shot of interferon and twice a day pills. so far so good, but i am noticing that i tire very easily. i did a lot of walking yesterday and it really kicked my ass. so it was nice to just chill in the new pad, watch bad tv and work on the bloucle. am halfway through the black stripe already and soon will be ready to divide for front and back. sorry about no pictures. my best friend came over to look at the new place yesterday and i should have had him take some. but like i said i was a little out of it.
speaking of bad tv, even i couldn't get through the real gilligan's island. granted i tend to watch netflix, turner classics and tvland, but when did new tv get so crappy? watched sideways and thought it was ok. didn't think it was the best indie ever, but admired it intellegence and adultness.

Monday, June 06, 2005

settling in

beautiful, beautiful weekend. i looks like summer is definitely here wh/ is my favorite time of year. yeah, yeah, i know it's hot and gross, but i'd rather be hot and gross than cold and miserable. friday i finally went back to my knitting group and it was so great to see the guys. specifically my friend john who gave me the bloucle. i was able to show him what i'm turning it into and ask his advice. will put in the strip after all just to make it, as john would say, "sporty" it'll also save me bloucle which is a definite finite quantity. my college friend Dan is in town this weekend and it's been so good to see him! went to see a very funny show my friends produced on Saturday again and then yesterday I went to the beach. beautiful Jones beach, my home away from home in the summer time. and w/ my first visit there for me the summer has officially begun.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

little by little

first night in the new pad w/ nothin' to do. i know i need to unpack but having just gotten over the gargantuan task of moving four hundred piles of crap from one place to the next, the last thing i wanted to do was move said piles of crap around even more. so i set some low goals. i found my phone and plugged it in. (but not the answering machine). i unpacked most of the kitchen just to get a pathway to the sink and cabinets. i hooked up my TV and DVD/VCR. i put clothes in the closet. when i ran out of hangers, i said to myself: okay, that's enough for tonight. put in a movie and worked on the bloucle vest until it was time to go to bed. ahhh. i'm already so much more comfortable in this new place than i was in the last one. i have a lot of junk, but maybe even not having to live in the same room w/ all of it makes a difference. about said vest. it's a pattern i adapted from knitty's petrol vest. i worked the pattern at the bottom w/ an inch and 3/4 of black lamb's pride worsted and then continued in pattern w/ the boucle. the thing is the boucle doesn't show the rib that well, which is ok, b/c i just want the body to have a little texture not a rigid rib pattern. but whenever i get to the knit/purl row my stitch count is always different and it's driving me crazy! luckily it doesn't show b/c ripping it out would be tough, but it's annoying. i guess i have to bite the bullet and get out the stitch counters. amway, last night i really felt at home in the new home. yea!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

homo improvement

i finally got some sleep last night and it really helped. i got so amazingly sire from shlepping all that stuff from one apartment to the next. mistake one was thinking i wasn't going to need any help b/c the move wasn't far away. mistake two was not breaking things down more and packing them better. tonight i am going home to unpack at least one room. would like to hook up my dvd b/c i haven't been able to sit, knit and netflix in quite some time. i did get a little bit done on the bob+weave wrap. it's amazing what this simple little activity does for you. i was physically hurting and mentally stressing, but after about ten minutes with the needles i was okay. zenned out and okay.